I think I actually hate this. I’m not one who admits to hate, as I believe that it’s something that manifests into pure negativity. But, today, I can say that I hate this.
This feeling, this situation, all that encompasses exactly where I sit. The pain, the frustration, the up-down/love-hate cycle that this fucked up existence had become.
I find that in the essence of who I am, I can accept it or change it, seeing as all else is madness. But I’m afraid to change it, because I made a promise before god – and I’m unwilling to accept it, because it’s completely inappropriate behavior. So where does that leave me? Honestly?? Where does it leave me??
The more that I change the less that I recognize who I am. I don’t talk to my friends out of fear of her reaction. I don’t go anywhere besides my shit job. I have to smoke in the fucking bathroom. This completely sucks.
She was some other sexual creature before we got married but that has all fallen to shit. That actually fell to shit the week after we got married.
What the fuck am I to do? I hate where I am and what I have become. There has to be options, right?? But what the fuck are they!?!